My current obsession is hair. How light and weird it can get.
Soon it will go fluorescent violet to a toned down purple.
Playing with my hair helps me see things differently.
I'm weird like that.
I love just dressing the way I love and not the way I feel I'm expected to.
It's something I've been struggling with for years.
I don't feel beautiful.
I don't fit into a size 0 dress and to honest I have the worst self esteem.
When I dress like I expect the 'pretty' people do I feel awful.
I fidget all the time.
And one look in the mirror leaves me near tears.
I hide from reflective areas so I won't feel worse.
I feel like the world watches me when I pass and whisper horrible things about me.
I feel like the real world is high school.
Being in Hollywood makes it worse, I think.
Because everywhere I go and see it's like a hundred surfing, running, yoga girls look back to me.
I'm not a yoga person, I don't like being in touch with the 'inner me.'
My friend and I have different ways of explaining what we wear.
Right now she's calling my look the 'Chav* phase'
I love having my jeans worn out and my hair a mess.
I love looking like this. With this I feel like when you judge how I look you are really seeing me.
This is an issue I've been fighting with myself on since I was in 10th grade.
The inner hatred of how I look.
I don't have the nerve to take it out physically on myself. I would never do that. But mentally...
My brain is my worst critic.
Until now.
*Chav, is a stereotype and pejorative epithet used in Britain. The stereotype was popularised in the first decade of the 21st century by the British mass media to refer to an antisocial youth subculture in the United Kingdom.
